Every year since moving to Gloucester Township in 2016, money would vanish from my house. I’ll be honest, I blamed everyone around me. When my fiancé would go to work I’d start creepin’ in her closets looking for new items or secret hiding spots for the thousands of dollars that would go missing each year. Every year she came up clean in all my investigations. I really wanted to believe that she wouldn’t do this to me so I started looking around at what changed since moving to GT.
Holy crap! I got two new dogs since moving to GT! I’ve noticed what looks like the little one holding secret dining room meetings where she tells the big one what’s going to do down. For a long time I slept with one eye open. Each of them slept on different sides of my bed at night as if they were just waiting for me to fall asleep so they could go back to their side hustle of ripping me off. They were definitely suspects.
Paranoia was eating at me until..
I installed cameras. Cameras everywhere! Sometimes I’d even forget where they all were and I’d have to check my system before I took a shower to remind myself if I had cameras in there too! At first it was hell of a job going through all of the footage. This is GT so it was picking up helicopters, fireworks, lantern flies nesting on the lenses, cars hitting potholes and even the trash men showing up late from time to time!
The cameras paid off. One of my back yard cameras picked up something very strange.
Two guys coming out of the back of my house WITH BAGS OF MY MONEY!!!
On one hand I was totally pissed and other other, I was perplexed at how these criminals dressed to rob folks. As any would be investigator does, I zoomed in to take a closer look.
As usual, zooming in didn’t help. The taller white haired guy looks a little familiar, but I dunno… I do however feel like the little guy is the one giving the orders. ( Kind of like my flawed dog theory with the little dog being the boss)
Here’s where it gets even more crazy.
I call my neighbor Sam and I tell him everything. Little did I know, Sam has the same issue too! With Sam though, he’s lived here for a long time and this pursuit for justice has taken up a lot of his time and money. Luckily for Sam and I, he also installed a crap load of cameras. When I showed Sam what I captured the obscenities that came out of his mouth may not have even been real words. With a “Wait right here!” Sam ran into his house and came out with a photo that was captured on one of his cameras from his office.
HOLY$*** it’s the two guys from my house along with other guy! The third guy also look familiar, but I’m I’m struggling to figure out where I know him from. He looks like the kingpin for sure though. Maybe little suit guy is just the puppet? Either way, it looks like they are stealing boat loads of money from Sam too!
Reality kicked me in the butt when..
I was like, “Sam, why didn’t you tell me this was happening to you!?” He responded, “Joe, I found out it’s happening to everyone.” My response was, “We have to let everyone know!” That’s when Sam told me that he’s been letting everyone know for years. Suddenly I remembered skimming over really long winded Facebook posts from Sam and not reading them. I guess spending all my time answering “Who has the best cheesesteaks?” with answers like “Dawn’s Deli” could have been better spent. Apparently on even numbered years they up their game by 8% to 10% and take even more of our money!
We need your help.
All resident are encouraged to help identify these evil doers. This is after all, a community problem. Hopefully we can find them and send them packing out of GT.
One last thing…
I apologized to my fiancé and even set a date for our wedding next month. My dogs got new orthopedic beds and enough chewy sticks to last them a lifetime. I even had statues made of them to show them my appreciation.
The only thing left to do is to finally listen to Sam and help him spread the word. Here’s what I learned from finally paying attention.
Since 2010 our Municipal tax rate has increased 84.16%
In comparison these are some of the townships around us and what they’ve done in the last 10 years.
Runnemede : 20.35%
Cherry Hill -5.24% (YES THAT IS A DECREASE)
I could not find the records going back to 2010 but most municipalities have going back to 2015. Gloucester Township has increased taxes since 2015 31.1% That is the second highest in Camden County. Other township increases since 2015:
Somerdale : 8.86%
Laurel Springs: 13.98%
Runnemede : 11.60%
Cherry Hill: 2.47%
Washington Township 2.41%
Please reread those last again and then spread the word for my neighbor Sam.
Obviously this is a parody. The tax increases that far exceed any other township around us are not parody.
Hope to see everyone at the Council Meeting Monday (5-23) at 730pm.